wanted: closure.

Closure. It’s a small word. It’s a simple word. It’s a never-ending word.

It’s the finish line to a life-long race. A race that is exhausting and confusing, that seems straightforward at the Start but becomes a complex labyrinth as one progresses. It piles up. Closure, or the lack of it, becomes a bigger burden with each day that goes by.

The more you fail, the more you grow. The less closure you get, the more you become stagnant. Stuck in time. Frozen in limbo. A constant feeling of disquiet, of uncertainty, of confusion and most of all, of despair hangs around.

There is no moving on. There is no forgiving. There is no forgetting. And there is certainly no grieving. Because confusion clouds all of that. It makes you numb. There is no crying over it and then, getting over it. Because, there is doubt and a question. A question that springs up when you least expect it to, looming over you when you’re most vulnerable. And then, you brood. You wonder. You wish you could have known. You wish you can still know. But, there are no answers.

There is nobody to comfort you, to hold you while you get into the slow and painful process of getting on with your life. Because, the one with the answers is long gone. Whether physically or emotionally, it doesn’t matter. The one with the answers is gone. And the ones who’re there, the ones who stay and hold and comfort and provide a shoulder, have no answers. They only have support, but no answers.

No way of knowing. No way of being certain. No way of figuring out why. You can only speculate and wish and hope and then, try to get distracted.

But, it comes back. Always, it comes back. Whether in the form of a Facebook friend request from a best friend who abandoned you long ago or in the form of unexpectedly coming across an unfulfilled school crush whose side of the story you were never aware of. Whether in the long, lonely hours at home where you’re reminded of all the reasons why you ran away, why you escaped or in the coming across of a photograph from your old life, when you weren’t alone and betrayed. The feeling, the confusion, the doubt and the uncertainty. It always finds its way back.

It’s never weaker, never slowing down, and definitely not smaller. It’s a monster. A monster that grows more as Life happens. growing till you’re so helpless at the hands of it that all you can do is find more distractions than you can handle. That all you end up doing is becoming aggressive and protective. Refusing to let go. Losing more than gaining. Leading the path to a stairway that is a loop, a repeat of the entire process. Again and again and again. Again and again and again till one day, you wake up. Wake up and wonder, ‘When did it all get so messed up?’. When did I get so messed up? And yet again, there are no answers. Just silence. Silence that fills the oppressive void of never knowing.

Closure. It’s a small word. It’s a simple word. It’s a never-ending void.

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2 thoughts on “wanted: closure.

  1. This one is amazing. Yes, half our lives are spent in distraction or pursuance because we dont know the end, which is the elusive feeling ‘closure’.

    • Thanks.
      I feel my life would have been so much different if I’d got some closure somewhere. I seem to be thinking a lot about this of late, so in a fit, wrote it down!

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