This was a dialogue that I’d co-written with a friend of mine, in Xth Grade, for the School Magazine. Though it never got published (for rather obvious reasons!), it was still a fun exercise that I shall always cherish…
SUPERHEROES AT WORK
By 2 anonymous, sarcastic, thirsty writers
SETTING: Chiranjiv Bharti School, Palam Vihar
OCCASION: Rajiv Gandhi Debate, topic— “Do aliens exist?”
CHARACTERS: Maya and Aaliyah
MISSION: To drink water
1. If sensitive to sarcasm, please don’t read further.
2. All puns are intended.
“……so as I have been saying, and as Aristotle said, as Deepak Chopra said and as blahblah said it, I rest my case on the belief that aliens DO exist”
[Maya and Aaliyah, sitting on tapti hui bhoomi…]
Maya : sure, at least you admit that you are one.
Aaliyah : what a boring debate! What a boring topic! I mean who gives a damn to whether aliens exist or not?
Maya : and who gives a damn about us, as long as we don’t die of sweltering heat, sleep-deprivation, water scarcity, boredom & sitting-in- one-pose for about a decade now
Aaliyah : wow! They’ll have so much work having to remove so many bodies from this icky carpet, if we did.
Maya : if I don’t get H2 O right now, I am seriously going to die of dehydration. Let’s ask that dunderhead `perfect-prefect’ Dunham to let us go drink some. You ask.
Aaliyah : shove off, purheefect. We’re going inside the building for a beer, nerd. Now will you spare your weight a little left of the gate, so we can sail through?
Dunham : duh…what?!
Maya : Listen Homer Simpson, she said we need 5 minutes off our lives to save ourselves from perishing.
Dunham : not tracking still, what?!
Aaliyah : dunderhead…we need to go & have some water, you know “the basic component of life” without which no one can expect to live. So…
Dunham : you can’t go missy
Aaliyah : Maya, plan B
Maya : Pleeeeeeaaassssssssssseeee, bhaiya, humein pani peene jaane do, hum 5 minute mein aa jayenge
Dunham : Go sit
Aaliyah : well, since there is no Plan C…
Maya : we can’t even hit dumbum, he’s a moose
Aaliyah : let’s sit under that tree
[Under the tree]
Maya : hey, what’s this reddish stone?
Aaliyah : dunno……let’s pick it up
Aaliyah : Oh my god, we’re suddenly branded!!! I’m wearing that Chanel dress I was gawping at last week.
Maya : Wow!!! Just look at my Manish Malhotra outfit…it’s soooooo out of the world!!
Aaliyah : hey, we’re superheroes!!!!! Now let’s save the world from the evil forces of this hard, cruel world, from the ones who alienated themselves from the wonderful philosophy of sarcasm & irony
Maya : (to the audience) she means, to save our fellow students from the grips of these dunce debaters…
Aaliyah : we the aliens, clad in Chanel & Manish Malhotra, vow to save our fellow Chiranjeevians from being engulfed in the darkness of death.
Maya : that’s lame!!
Aaliyah : I know…(giving a big smile)I have an idea……have you ever gone abroad without a visa?
Maya : no
Aaliyah : come with me then…to rehab!!
Maya : wh-what…why??
[Fly off ]
Maya : whoopee…smell of American soil….but why are we here?
Aaliyah : Britney Spears……..don’t look so lost. We’re going to make her perform for our school.
Maya : man, what an awesome way of providing rays of light in death-like darkness……ummm, wasn’t that too philosophical??
Aaliyah : it was. Ok, so we’re going to apparate her off rehab right now.
Maya : DUH!!!
Aaliyah : hey, did Dumbum’s spirit just get into you? Where’s Maya……Maya?……Maya?
Maya : shut up……let’s go find the rehab.
Aaliyah : let’s get invisible…yippee……
Maya : hiii…so, nice to meet you. Will you come with us to India to perform?
Britney : wh-what…nooo…get out of my room.
Aaliyah : I told you we shouldn’t have asked her
Maya : right…so, Plan Alienate?…great…let’s kidnap her
Britney : what…how dare………AAAHHHHHH……(muffled)stop…hey, are we in the air??
Aaliyah : here we are; School-not so sweet-School. Now let’s clear off this debate & spare our friends 3 hours of super torture
Britney : yippee……I wanna sing all those drugs away
Maya : Progress
Aaliyah : and now…
(Look at each other, fly, hang Dunham on a tree & come down)
Maya : that’s it…isn’t that a way too linear punishment?
Aaliyah : we’re superheroes, remember?
Britney : how about “the great gig in the sky”?
Maya : what a great idea
Aaliyah : are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Maya : and what ARE you thinking, darlin’?
Aaliyah : “a wave of my magic wand,
The troubles will soon be gone.”
Britney : I love this song
Maya : that rhymes…you still haven’t answered my question
Aaliyah : darkness, lights, Britney, light rains & CBS will soon be rocking.
Maya : and what about us….what will we do?
Britney : (screaming in the sky)…’cause to loose all my senses, that is so typically me…oh baby, baby…oops I did it again……
Maya : I have a question,…should Dunham, hanging on the tree, be allowed to hear, see & enjoy the gig
Aaliyah : obviously, ‘coz watching something of this sort, when he’s probably used to just educational songs, won’t let him enjoy……it’ll just end up torturing him
Maya : right…now what?
Aaliyah : let’s achieve what we wanted to……
Maya : ……water??
Aaliyah : yes…
[Flying & landing at water cooler]
Maya : ooooooooohhhhhhhh……this water is so “cool”
Aaliyah : see if it cools you off
(Soon, a water fight ensues….)
Aaliyah : ok, stop it now
Maya : hey, is that an earthquake??
[In the Medical Room]
Medical room teacher(M.R.T.) : (Shaking Maya & Aaliyah & sprinkling water on them)…wake up, wake up, you both have been unconscious for over 3 hours, now!
Maya : what happened to us?
M.R.T. : A branch of a tree fell on you
Aaliyah : What??
M.R.T. : yeah……now wait here, I’m coming in a minute
Maya : (after M.R.T. goes)…hey, Aaliyah, what’s that in your hand?
Aaliyah : huh……hey, that’s the stone which…
Maya : …turned us into superheroes, yeah…
Aaliyah : (after a pause)…and we still haven’t drunk water………
MORAL OF THE STORY: Being superheroes doesn’t always mean that you can accomplish your mission!!!!!